Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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