i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I did not marry a roomba.
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