i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
