WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
