My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
