Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
