At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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