I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
My pussy is not your playground.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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