So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
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