Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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