I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
