Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
