so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
