Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
