I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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