Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Randomize
