Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
