Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
