The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Drunk is not a location!
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
