your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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