meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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