got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
