I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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