If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize