now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I can't turn off my feet"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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