Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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