i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Randomize
