literally had 100 drinks last night.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
