Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
