So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
