Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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