I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
