my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
