At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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