I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize