There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
