maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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