I can text with my tongue
are you so shy because you have an std?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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