I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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