Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
