i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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