not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
