I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
