I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
