i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
