dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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