I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
