My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
my shit smells like andre
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
