apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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