shes about as inviting as chlamydia
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The air was thick with penises
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
