Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
he shaved USA in his pubs
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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