Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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