I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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