On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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