im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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