Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
where are you?
Hypothermia
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
