i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
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