just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize